Consider yourself warned. . .

I consider myself safe for the most part. I practice safety precautions when necessary. I wash my hands, wear my seat belt, and never ever swim in the ocean at night. I realized today, however, that I am putting myself in great danger of spontaneous combustion roughly twice a week. Each time I pump gas, chances are I will ignite into flames upon pressing the nozzle. Maybe God is watching out for me, maybe its just luck. For whatever reason, I'm glad to say I am walking and talking with no evidence of severe burns to be found on my being, except for the scar on my arm where some drunk jack a$$ carelessly let his cigarette rest on my arm in line at the fair, searing the skin before either one of us realized it.

While pumping gas, I began reading the warnings I always read. "We prosecute drive offs", "Turn cell phone and electronic devices off before pumping", "Apply for credit today and receive free gas for a year", etc., etc. Then, I stumbled upon a warning I have never noticed before. But there it was, written as plain as day. And having read it, I will now be the freak obsessively fondling metal prior to filling 'er up at the local Jet Pep. And you may no longer blame me if you spontaneously combust while pumping gas. Consider yourself warned. . .and chill out with the fabric softener.